The Fall

  I rolled over.  Pain shot its way through my body as an indignant rock informed me that it had already staked this piece of ground as its own. I lazily opened my eyes and brushed away the crust that had formed there.  There was always crust in this land, always dust and debris; never a patch of grass--fresh with sweet moisture, just crust.  It was a small thing, but it showed that even the small things were nothing but frustrations in this place.

  Carefully, I raised my head and took off my helmet.  I ran my fingers through my greasy tangled hair, “Just like a dog after wading through a mud puddle” I thought.  As I stroked my scalp, I focused my thoughts on what had happened and how I had gotten here.  The details were still fuzzy, but after examining my surroundings and the state of my body and armor, I knew that it had happened again.

  As my mind slowly began to process what had taken place just a few hours before, I snapped.

  Jumping to my feet, I ripped off my armor, threw my bloodstained shield to the ground and began to jump on them repeatedly. 

  When that didn’t satisfy my rage, I grabbed the Sword that had been lying just a few yards from me and viciously thrashed my innocent targets.

  “Is it working?”

  Startled, I leapt forward and wheeled around to see where the voice had come from.

  Standing only a few yards away was a simply dressed man with a book in his hand.  He looked straight into my eyes with a serious but slightly amused expression on his face.  There was a moment of silence as I processed the scene.  All the while, the man simply gazed at me; and although only a few minutes passed, his thoughtful stare made it seem like hours.

  “Is what working?”  I finally responded.

  “Your violence and swearing, is it dissipating your anger and bringing peace to your soul?” 

  “Why are you always asking me the same questions?”  I asked in a tone of annoyance. 

  “Because you continue to do the same things.”

“No it’s not working,” I said while sheathing my sword and casually sitting down in the arid dust, “but you already knew that.  Why are you here anyways?  Come once again to remind me of my many failures?”

  Gracefully, the man strode over and stood almost on top of me. He looked down at me and resumed his thoughtful stare, “And is that what I have done in the past?  Reminded you of your mistakes?  Am I the one who continually brings up the past, and relentlessly beats it over your head?”

  With a frustrated sigh I met his stare, “No.  Look I’m sorry, I know I’m being irrational, I’m just really not in the mood to talk.  I mean, you know what happened!  You always know!  Even though I’ve never seen you present, you always seem to know the specifics of my mistakes.  Why are you here anyways?  Why are you even talking to me?  Don’t you know that these….these mistakes that I make are treacherous acts against you? Every time I fall, I go back on the promise I made to you, every time I make this choice, I choose separation from you!”

  The man never missed a beat, “Of course I know, you have been rebelling against me from your birth.  Even after you swore your loyalty to me, you have continued to backslide.”

  Confused and angry, I stood up, glared at him and in a raised voice said, “Then strike me down now! We both know that I don’t deserve another breath!  Deal with me as I have dealt with you!”

  Although his expression never changed, his eyes shone with a new light.  I had expected them to glow with anger, but instead they beamed with love and compassion. He cocked his head to the side and placed his hand on my shoulder, “I do not deal with you as you deserve. I have chosen to love you, to care for you,to pick you up when you fall.  I have chosen to be your foundation, to be your nourishment, to make you whole.  I have chosen to fill that empty spot you have been trying to fill for years….I have chosen you to be mine.  And no matter how you treat me, no matter what treacherous acts you commit against me, those choices will never change.  My love for you will never change.”

  Those words cut through me like a knife.  I felt that familiar lump begin to form in my throat. My knees, which had been rock-solid only moments before, became like the knees of a toddler learning to walk.

  Quickly regaining my composure, I swallowed hard and did my best to look him straight in the eye,“But why?  Why continue to do all those things for me?  I don’t even understand why you chose me in the first place, and I certainly am not able to comprehend why you would continue to love me.”

  “That’s because you are searching for something in and of yourself that would make you worthy of my love.  My son, nothing could ever make you worthy of that.  I chose to love you not because of a condition that you met. I chose to love you, because that is what I desire to do.  My love for you is unconditional and unchanging.  Your actions do not change my love.”

  No longer able to look at him, I gazed at the ground. I blinked hard as I felt my eyes fill with moisture.  “I can’t do this anymore,” I said in a shaky voice, “I can’t continue to fight this fight. Day after day I’m faced with all kinds of foes.  Some of them look just like me; they know all my weaknesses and they use them to break me down.  Others have the aura of great power; they are fearful, and breathe threats at me.  They promise me peace if I would only take off this armor, throw away this sword and abandon you.  Still, there is one more and he is far different from the others.  He doesn’t attack me at all, he only speaks soft and kind words.  He tells me how I can only experience freedom once I am free from you.  The longer I listen to him, the wiser his words begin to sound.  He praises me greatly, and tells me how I should be proud of all that I have accomplished.  But even as he says these things, I can feel a sharp, dull pain behind me; almost as if someone is slowly forcing a jagged arrow into my back. “

  My broken voice faded into the surrounding wasteland.  I waited to see if he would chide me for my cowardice.  Instead, he placed his hand under my chin, and slowly lifted up my head.  His hand was firm but gentle, and as he drew me up, I could feel that they were deeply scarred.  Once again I saw his face.  It was a ruggedly beautiful face, full of understanding and kindness.  His compassionate gaze seemed to be telling me that he understood, that he too had felt the same pain.

  After a few seconds of his powerful stare--I broke.  I knew that I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. Falling to the ground I grabbed his ankle with one hand and beat the earth with the other.  The dust of that sere landscape whirled through the air like a swarm of gnats.  I sobbed and choked as my mind quickly filled with stagnant reminders of my actions in the past.  I had always been the one to break faith, andyet every time he had responded to my treason with compassion.

  “I’ve always fallen short, I’ve never been able to successfully defeat these damn ghouls!  I can be strong for a few minutes, but eventually I let my guard down and they pounce upon me!” I shouted through my sobs, “In moments, I’ve renounced my loyalty to you and declared my fealty to them!  I never remember anything after that, I only wake up with guilt and regret! I’m never able to do what I desire, but the things that I don’t want to do is what I keep doing!”

    The man calmly reached down, and in one swift motion, he lifted me up from the ground and rested my head on his shoulder.  Gently he ran his fingers through my dust-clumped hair.

  “This is not about you my son.  This is not about your failures; this is about my grace.  I know these foes are stronger than you, I know that you are easily broken, but the one thing you fail to remember is that I was there with you in each and every battle.   Whenever you would embrace the enemy--that is when I stepped in.  I would smote your adversary in one stroke and gently carry you to safety.  Despite your violent kicking and screaming, I would calm your nerves, treat your wounds and once again release you from the enemy’s chains.  You always look to your own strength when the enemy arrives.  You always remember your successes and fail to recount your short comings.  These foes cannot be defeated through your own power.  This is something that you must take to heart.  When you are faced with an enemy, do not look upon him as an unworthy opponent.  Instead, embrace humility and seek out my help.  My Spirit is always with you; he will never forsake you to fight these monsters alone.  Your pride is your downfall; until it has been tamed, you will continue to fall.”

  Taking my sword from its sheath he examined it thoughtfully, “I have given you this sword to be your defense in times of trouble.  Too often you have thrown it aside, preferring to rely on your fists.  However, the enemy can easily outmaneuver your blows and use them as a weapon against you.  This sword can pierce through even the toughest armor and can shatter the strongest shields.  But you can only achieve these great things if you are dedicated to learning its secrets and hidden wisdom.”

  Carefully he placed my sword back in its sheath.  As he did so, I could feel a calmness closing in about me.  I knew that there were many trials yet to come, and yet, at that moment, they didn’t matter.  In the security of his embrace, they seemed like nothing.  Even the past mistakes that constantly haunted my mind seemed to be swept away by the sensation of peace.  It was a peace that made no sense.  Here I was, fighting a war I could not win, constantly betraying the one who commissioned me to fight, surrounded on all sides by enemies more powerful than I, and yet-nothing but quiet serenity.  It was a peace that passed all understanding.

  Strong enough to tame the seas themselves, his voice echoed through the undisturbed peace, “Andrew, I did not suffer on your behalf and make you one of my own just to watch you fall over and over again.  I endured the most painful death imaginable to free you from slavery to sin, to save you from the fall of your forefather. I knew this freedom would place you at enmity with the world, so I gave you a way to fight back.  I knew that while fighting, you would be tempted, and I knew such temptations would causeyou to fall.  I have not put you through these trials because I find pleasure in watching you stumble.  I put you through these trials to teach you your own weakness.  And as you begin to realize your human frailty, you will forsake your own abilities and lean on me wholly for support.  As one of my children once wrote:

These inward trials I employ,

from self and pride to set thee free,

and break thy schemes of earthly joy,

that thou mayest find thy all in me.

    

  My heart ached as I began to take in this amazing prospect; that I, the one who fell, was made to stand.  And even though my soul was overflowing with peace and joy, I could not stop the endless flood of tears that poured from my eyes.  With one movement, he wiped a single tear from my cheek and immediately the rest were gone.

  He then gently laid his hand on my shoulder, closed his eyes and bowed his head.  “My son, please know that you will continue to stumble in the years ahead.  During this life of tears, you will never be able to fully escape these enemies and temptations.  But also know that I will not rest until I have safely brought you through these torrents.  Though many will seek your allegiance, I will not let them snatch you out of my hand. Rest securely in me and you will find peace.  Be of good cheer my son, for there is nothing you will face that I have not already experienced.  In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world. “

  For the longest time I stood there with my eyes closed, clutching his hand as if my life depended on it.  When I finally opened my eyes, I realized that he had disappeared, and the object of my grip was the book he had been holding.

   The book’s cover was well worn and had the single word Logos on the cover.  The pages were yellow with age, but not one of them was ripped or torn.  I turned through several pages before finally stopping at a page that contained two drops of dried blood.  The first drop was located squarely on the word “And”--this is what followed it:

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—  among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

    Following these words was the second drop of blood which placed itself on the word “but”; here is what came after:

 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,  even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—  and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,  so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.  For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

    Encouraged by these words, I carefully placed the book in my knapsack; I knew that I would need this book of life in times to come. 

  After standing in that place for a few more minutes, I knew there was nothing else to do but continue on. 

  Somehow, in someway, he was still present; and although I could not see him, I knew he was watching. 

  Under his watchful gaze, I picked up my scattered armor and put all the pieces back in their appropriate places.  Taking one more look at the withered place of my despair, I fastened my helmet, sheathed my sword, and starting walking forward.